If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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