My hair reeks of homosexuality.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
