The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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