1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
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