Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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