I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
