I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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