i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Randomize
