I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
