You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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