im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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