When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
