I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
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