Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
