oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize
