I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
