when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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