I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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