please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Randomize
