she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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