Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
