Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
