I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Randomize
