Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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