You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Randomize
