i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Randomize
