if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
