Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
