how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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