that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Randomize
