I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
