I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
