my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
