imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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