2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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