You're earring is so big in my mouth
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
What a dumb baby whore.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
You ate ashes out of my bong
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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