this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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