I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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