i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon�
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
