did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
My vagina just recognized that song.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Randomize
