Three words: puerto rican gang bang
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
He? As in you personified your dick?
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
