DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
