This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
