People with herpes should wear stickers.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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