I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
