Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Help. Why am I so naked?
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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