Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Randomize
