I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
