o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
