My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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