I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Randomize
